Recently I had a very strange experience. While conducting research for a grant proposal (which I won, but more on that in the future), I came across my own dissertation in the UCCS library catalog system. I was scrolling through the search results for the terms “Iranian and esotericism,” when BOOM - there it was, number 46 on the list. It was quite a surprise, and to be honest I actually hovered the cursor over the title for a split second, thinking “hmmm, that looks interesting, what is that book about?” before realizing that I had spent several years researching and writing “the book,” and that I already knew what it contained. I’m still not used to seeing my work out there in the public, where anyone can find it.
This reminds me that once we publish things, they take on a life of their own, and we have no control over how other people might interpret them. I have shared my dissertation with a few people in the last year, mostly those who heard me speak at a conference and asked for it, but the reading audience for most dissertations is very small. In the coming year, I hope to have a few different pieces published as book chapters or journal articles, so this is something to which I will have the opportunity to become accustomed. A friend of mine (who has published many, many, many books) once told me it is strange how the things we write in one stage of life can follow us, even as we move on, change, and evolve as people. I’m not sure what will “follow” me from my dissertation (other than the memories of research and writing, and the desire to see some of that material “grow up” and emerge as more polished and sophisticated arguments and analyses), but I feel good about knowing it is out there. I have worked hard to differentiate myself from my work and career, but writing and seeing one’s name in print can be a powerful form of self-actualization. It is a path that I plan on continuing to walk, in my own way, for years to come.
